I think this is the first time since giving birth to her daughter Honor that Jessica Alba has been spotted in her bikini on the beach. Either she had a lot of plastic surgery or she’s been working really hard because Jessica Alba’s body is looking really great. Too bad she’s a stuck-up bitch who thinks she’s far more important than she actually is… or else she might be kind of cute.

Last night Jessica Alba gave birth to her first child with fiance Cash Warren. Rumor has it that she named her daughter Honor Marie Warren. That’s certainly an interesting name. What happened to naming kids normal names like Katherine and Betsy? Jeez.

According to “friends” of Alba, she said it was an “honor having Cash Warren’s child” so that’s how she came up with the name Honor. How freaking lame and cheesy! Still, I’m interesting in seeing the baby pictures… sort of.

Jessica Alba had a baby shower recently. Remember that? We saw Kim Kardashian taking Jessica a gift from her own store and heard about some other people that went? Well, anyway, Jessica gave her guests a leather bracelet that says “Life, Love, Health, Et Cetera” on them.  She told her guests not to take off the bracelet until her little angel is born. Bossy! If the bracelet was fug I wouldn’t even wear it. Hey, when I first glanced at the picture above I thought it was Angelina Jolie and then I saw the huge ring on her finger and I thought for sure her and Brad got married. No such luck though. Just a stupid Jessica Alba story!

I didn’t know Jessica Alba had another face besides her sourpuss but apparently she does. I always said I wanted her to stop looking like such a bitch but now that she’s smiling, she sort of looks bloated and awkward. I could live without it, actually.  And what’s happening with that hideous dress? It only makes her look a million times bigger. Very ugly.

Am I the only one who thinks Cash Warren looks like his face is a greasy pizza? He just looks so nasty when you start getting closer up to him. He needs to invest in some Proactiv or something!

You can cover your face all you want but we still know you’re making a fugly bitch face, Jessica!

Jessica Alba was out an about in her gross ass sweats today. She went and got her nails done at one of those all-Asian shops. I don’t know how it is in Hollywood but where I live, those Asian shops aren’t very clean and they use really cheap products. With all that money you think Jessica could afford a nice manicure but I guess she’s saving all her money to pay people to see her movies. That’s the only way people would go, right? RIGHT? Because surely no one is going based on her “acting.”

More Jessica Alba pregnancy candids below. Swiped ‘em from sexy Michael K at DListed.

Just looking at this picture makes me want to punch Jessica Alba. You guys know I don’t like the little trick. And isn’t Rihanna getting old to anyone else? She’s so big and awkward. She reminds me of a robot you’d see in a really bad movie. A robot that Beyonce is insanely jealous of, that is.

Anyway, what could these two bitches possibly have to talk about? It probably went something like this:

Rihanna (totally being fake): Oh Jessica, you’re so beautiful in person!

Jessica: I know. And you’re so.. ethnic. [silence] I am pretty, aren’t I?

Get it? Because Jessica is a conceited little bitch? See? Okay anyway. More pictures of Rihanna and Jessica Alba at the Fendi store opening in Paris. Gee it must be hard to be famous.